In the Prospect of Flowers

2011-05-23T00:33:00.002-04:00

I don't recall when this journal lost its audience, or if I ever was writing for one. But I find some nights, where thoughts needed to be put down, and instead of a private, paper-pen diary, I write them here.

public/private spaces

the dichotomy of the two is never clear nowadays, but at times (times like these, I suppose), I want to tell you things.

It used to be that, well, I used to write of my heart, and its broken pieces. And the intended audience wasn't you, but rather he-who-was-never-named (but quite clearly, he broke my heart, or something like that)

And then there were the posts of sleep deprived nights, incoherent posts of things I thought to be so fitting.

eh.

now, it seems like this semi-private place has become a place of announcements.

And here it goes.

I took a leap of faith, and I leave for South America in August, for 11 months.

He will leave for Egypt as soon as I leave, and then France for 7 months. Yeah, that motherfucker's living my french wet dream.

It is time to grow some more, and to see how we can continue to love despite the distance.

We sat by the river today, I heard the water in my ears, just as I did in Puerto Rico so many many months (years?) ago.

tout va bien.

economy

2010-11-22T13:07:00.002-05:00

I
it is somewhat intoxicating absorbing what you don't want to absorb, the mathematics of the life you're wishing to lead. the economy of words is lost on you, you spurt out words you don't want to be said, and in these exhilarating moments, you wish for someone to save you, take you away. or perhaps, just take your breath away.

II
between the hello and goodbyes, we seek comfort in the approximation of each human quality that we tend to deduce. between the polite smiles and awkward handshakes we find in the touch that lasted a second, a closeness, a sharing of melancholic sentiments. we are alone, in our worlds, apart, and yet intimate.

III
You.
you took my breath away.

IV
in these ways of love, as they used to say, amor vincit omnia.

V
and there we are.

--

I wrote this sometime in fall '07, and by winter '08, someone else had taken my breath away, and

and here we are.

rien que l'amour

2010-10-18T12:45:00.003-04:00

one of these days they might ask me, in a language I have adopted,
"why did you leave?"

cet été là

2010-10-02T11:42:00.002-04:00

Last summer was probably one of the best summer of my 23 years of life, and this is to say that I sure hope my future summers will live up to this summer ( I mean, I have so many more summers to look forward to!)

First of all, I graduated. (see post below)

and then I spent two weeks on the East Coast with the loves of my life (Vermont-NYC-Vermont-Maine-Montrèal), one month in Ann Arbor (of which various days were spent in the arb, one day at DEMF, countless dancing nights and vegging out on the couch in front of the TV guiltlessly), six weeks in a small village in Vermont speaking nothing but french (and a lot of partying), two weeks in Ann Arbor, six days on a fucking awesome hippie bus (of which 4 days were in Iowa not by choice unfortunately), three days in a dried out lakebed in the middle of nowhere Nevada (google Burning Man!) and jumped on a plane to Malaysia a day later.

And one month of Raya. Hell yeah.

BEST POST GRADUATION TRIP EVER.

I would love to write individual posts on my East Coast trip, on how much I want to raise my kids in Montrèal, on Middlebury, on the French, and THE bus, and Burning Man...

but y'know. that probably won't happen. ha.

the graduate reflects

2010-06-16T19:42:00.003-04:00

It took me a long time to write this, between the traveling, and hanging out with friends before saying goodbye and some precious me time, I had thoughts, and it was hard to put these thoughts in writing.

So I graduated, and I have a college degree. And I got my official "Degree conferred" transcript with a list of all the classes I had ever taken. And grades.

I did it. I have a degree in Mathematics, with a not terrible CGPA. I want to tell you that it didn't matter what my final CGPA was, but it did. I worked my hardest my last semester, between my thesis and 500 level math classes and Catalan to not go below the standard I put up for myself.

But of course, in the end, it didn't matter. Anyone could tell you this. Anyone could tell you that your 4-year college degree is more than all the classes you had taken. And this is true, and I knew this, despite all the nights I was in tears thinking about why I don't have a 3.5 GPA.

I want to tell you that I am blessed to be able to experience this liberal arts education. I want to tell you that I am blessed to be able to step outside myself and observe the world.

For every American who asked me if Malaysia is in Asia, there's one American who knew more about our politics than most of my peers. And one who could talk to you about the ethnic conflict in Kyrgyztan. And another who can tell you what the Quran says about a certain issue from three different sources. And plenty who took the time to learn languages and cultures of others.

And really, there are stupid people everywhere. You can't avoid them.

But being abroad, being away from home, familiarity, feeling like a foreigner in a foreign world, has taught me to look at the world. And ask questions. And never settle for "I don't know". And to never judge too harshly.

So I really don't know what I am trying to say. I am glad that college is over.

But what now?

College for me was all about learning; learning how to do math which later becomes learning how to pass a math test when you have no idea what is going on in class, learning a new language, learning how to write, learning how to make it seem like you are interested, learning how to write a 10 page paper in 12 hours and still sound like you have been researching for the last two weeks... so many skills and knowledge obtained in just four years!

But knowledge is a burden, and I carry this burden with me every day and it just gets heavier day by day.

oh hello college life, how you passed by so swiftly

2010-04-10T23:33:00.004-04:00

why i love you dear friends
because we sit in a circle, smoking or drinking or neither of those things, and just talk about things. things that matter, things that don't. we point at the world map, and talk about imperial powers drawing arbitrary lines. or sometimes we just stare at the map, and make things out of these arbitrary lines. we talk about the death of conservatism, and the bleak future of the republican party. or we just talk about how ridiculously short mc cain's arms are. we talk about the health care reform bill in detail. or we just laugh at the tea-partiers' attempt at spelling SOCIALISM. we talk about how kyrgyzstan's coup was led by a woman. or sometimes we struggle to spell the nation's name. and you guys talk about the different kinds of beer, and made me understand that bud light is shit,and how drinking good beer is better than drinking wine. then we talk about nationalism, and linguistics and music, and movies. and whales. moby dick. penis envy. the green revolution. the french. etc. etc. etc. and we debate, and argue, and make fun of each other. and this goes on for hours' end. and this is the way we party, sitting around in a circle, smoking or drinking or neither of those things and just talk about things.

why i love you dear lover
because we sit in bed, talking about things, kissing, reading in all the languages we know. and we argue and we debate. and i scream sometimes because you never want to lose. and you teach me about the indigenous people in Papua New Guinea or austronesian languages or the way the French political system work. and sometimes we speak in english, sometimes in french. sometimes i tell you to just say things in spanish because you always insist on your Spain accent. or i will read catalan poetry, and you would read to me your stories in Arabic, and translate them. and because we sit in bed, reading Borges together, being perpetually amazed by his stories. or you would read your fantasy novels, and i would read my realist novels, and we make fun of each other, and we argue about who has the better taste in books. and we plan our lives, we look up to the ceiling, and point to imaginary maps of places we would like to go, and we just plan our lives. sometimes, you fall asleep first, but you never wake up before me. and this is the way we love, sitting in bed, talking about things, kissing, reading in all the languages we know.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

and these are the people around me who had made my life here so wonderful. and i am nearing the end of my college career, and i really can't help but be so fucking nostalgic.

because guess what I still hate going to clubs, and i still hate huge house parties. SO FUCK YEAH FRIENDS FOR BEING AWESOME.

I also love you, my dear friends and lover because of the adventures that we took together. exploring the arb. going on a long-ass road trip. learning new things. and failing at new things. eating new things. experimenting with my attempts of making tea and different kinds of pie. or just doing something completely random (impromptu picnics and art jams).

and again, fuck yeah friends for being totally awesome and for being there for my tea parties!

love,
me

hey dudes, I am off to Middlebury

2010-04-10T21:20:00.001-04:00

Well, not until May.

BUT HELL YEAH FINANCIAL AID.

thesis.

2010-03-19T04:10:00.002-04:00

Chapter 1 : Discourse in Nationalism
Chapter 2 : Pitfalls of National Consciousness
Chapter 3 : National culture - Culture of Reading and Writing
Chapter 4 : Writing collectivity in Post-colonial literature.
.
.
.
.
.

I think I am suffering from some sort of impostor syndrome.

on the explication of love, Or my lover

2010-02-26T02:53:00.002-05:00

we find the etymology
of our love
not in words
with latin roots,
nor germanic
not through
sanskrit poetry,
or medieval
troubadours

it is in
the way
we read
each other
and loaning
words,
making ourselves
cognates
of the other

the post-colonial writer writes

2010-02-26T02:48:00.003-05:00

contradictions, contradictions!
on the contrary,
we see you in
ourselves,
and you see us in your-
self.

the empire never left.

Deconstructionism, Différance, Etc.

2010-02-21T22:14:00.002-05:00

In between discussing Derrida's Grammatology, somehow we came up to the conclusion that literary theory is dead, and in effect, academia is dead (ok that's just me).

And I have raged against theorists like Derrida many a times, mostly because I usually have about two hours before class to find out what the hell does this jargonfilled bullshit guy have to say. But in all honesty, I have no personal vengeance against theory. And it's true, I learnt how to appreciate literary texts through the study of theory and methodology. Although I must say that deconstructionism is not my thing. Pas du tout.

I am all about historical/political/social context glory.

So as i write my thesis, trying to draw a line between nationalism in the Western construct and nationalism in post colonial nations, and trying to not say anything that's been done to death... two cups of tea and kaya toast later...

one paragraph.

Nationalism theory has been predominantly a Western construct, and while there are those of the essentialist school that would argue nationalism is an inherent quality, it is still a product of the western thought. If we look at the notion of nationalism in the western construct as a process, we see that the process of nationalism in a colonized nation is interrupted by colonization. At this point of colonization, the history of nationalism of the colonized nation is rendered irrelevant to the shaping of the nation’s nationalism.

by which I want to scream, fuck this shit, i am not going into academia anyway!

But i must persevere.

On another note, I have set up a blog to complement my research (minus emo posts about how i hate life)
Please click

At least my muqueca was a success!

life gave me lemons

2010-02-20T12:06:00.003-05:00

and so much more.

At this point in my life, I feel like I finally have the liberty to choose, to craft out a path for the rest of my life. That phrase sounded odd in my head, because here I am barely 23, and the rest of my life seems like a mirage in a desert.

Yeah we have plans. I had plans. But plans can change. and plans do change.

E.g Plan A : graduate with a math degree, pass professional exams, and become and actuary. (and somehow lead a hectic, yet still meaningful life bla bla blaah)

This was of course my plan as a bright-eyed freshman, who didn't have one clue what that entailed. It is laughable, and yes you may laugh at my naive, naive freshman year dreams.

Over the course of three years into Michigan, the plan is now to just fucking graduate with that fucking math degree, and never so much so look at another actuarial related thing ever again.
Pardon my french, but I don't think any other word can convey my true passion for that fucking subject.

So here's plan B
Graduate. (523 please don't fuck me up, thanks) Finish CompLit thesis. Go to Middlebury and get fluent in French. Go to Algeria/Morocco/Tunisia and hang out there for a year or two. Go to graduate school in either Complit or Public Policy. Have kids and move to Canada. Live happily ever after.

Yeah, Plan B is as laughable as Plan A, but you know, one can dream. and I might change my mind. He might change his mind. We might change our minds.

Yes, I got married at 22, and it is something I never in my life thought I would do(never say never!). But I don't see this as settling down, and having babies and whatnot (One more person asks me if I am pregnant yet, I swear to God, I will shoot somebody) It is a union of two people making a commitment to go through life with each other, through whatever life has to offer. I see it as a new beginning, a lifetime partner to explore this world with.

So, no, we are not having babies until I get a PhD. And no, we are not buying a house and settling down in some quiet suburbs. And no, I am not going to be a housewife.

We want to discover the world, learn new languages and culture. we want to write. we want to read. we want to see. and we want to love.

and really, right now, I can't imagine anyone else being next to me when I wake up in the morning.

I want to do a lot of things, and I know at this point in my life, I feel like I want to do everything. I want to go into academia, I want to go into Public Policy. I want to write. I want to teach kids how to read. I want to continue my work with HIV/AIDS social research. I want to work on sustainability projects. etc etc.

I feel like i haven't lived long enough for my idealism to be scarred by reality. We'll see in a few years, eh?

I am rambling mostly because these thoughts have been at the back of my head for the last few months and especially now that graduation's about two months away.

Hell, i am scared shitless.

Hello there

2010-01-17T18:23:00.002-05:00

Final semester :
Risk Theory
Life Contigencies II
French Phonetics
Catalan
Honors Thesis

That's all I have to do, that's not too bad no?

I was supposed to take 9 credits and chill. But my curiosity got the best of me, and I signed up for SPANISH 640, where we will learn Catalan basically by just reading Catalan literature. Romance Language or Latin knowledge assumed. In my case, this will be my French.

I am terribly excited. Anxiously waiting for May 1st.

By that time hopefully, I will have passed those two dreaded math classes, written a 50 page thesis on Pain and Terror in Algerian and Malaysian literature and learnt basic Catalan.

And then real life can embrace me, and I will embrace it with welcoming kisses.

Then, we will see where the wind takes me.

Mucho amor,
Fizah
2010

An Announcement

2009-12-12T01:57:00.002-05:00

I keep wanting to retire this blog, but I don't know why, I couldn't.

This blog chronicled my life for the last three years, in some sort of word-avalanche, or not.

I want to say that I grew out this blog, but this is untrue. I have grown as a person, sure. I read a random post from two years ago, and I chide myself or laugh at my silliness. Sure.

But all of that, every hissyfits, every lament, every attempt at articulating what I felt, touched, heard, longed for...
That was all me.

and it's still me, maybe now in fragments.

I want to say that I am in love. And this is true. I have found myself a little burrow, where I lie in, and sleep, and in this burrow, I live. I am in love.

And in this, quoting Sappho, "my tongue breaks"

And in this, I find that this love is so very quotidian, very simple and uncomplicated.
And I have lost all ability to speak.

I married the man of my dreams.

Nantes - Beirut

2009-12-11T16:15:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile
And I'll gamble away my fright
And I'll gamble away my time
And in a year, a year or so
This will slip into the sea
Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile

Nobody raise their voices
Just another night in Nantes
Nobody raise their voices
Just another night in Nantes

poets die of heartbreaks

2009-10-19T22:45:00.003-04:00

hey, look at me, I said. Look, look, look.

There, there, there.

And we count every tap of my fingers, on your back,
and yours on mine.

And we say to each other : words

sometimes, words, translated, become numbers

because you tell me, "our minds are wired to see patterns that don't exist"

And we are tangled in between our sheets
and the galaxy,

And we tell the world we are in love.

current favorite pastime

2009-08-18T23:26:00.002-04:00

talking about healthcare reform for long hours with the lover.

letters to lovers

2009-07-26T10:53:00.004-04:00

To you,

I read to you, of the perils of colonialism, of tribal afflictions and such while you sat on the toilet for the umpteenth time.

And I just kept reading to you, because the bathroom was without light, and it would've been impossible for you to read yourself in such pain.

I read to you the story of the rise and fall of Onkonkwo, the arrival of the white men, interspersed by your groans.

And this repeats, until late at night. And you then collapsed on the chair, exhausted, whatever went in your stomach, went out as fast.

You then read to me, a story of post-acopalyptic America, a story made of conversations, and desperation.

And by the jetty, you and I, we took turns reciting "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner."

and it didn't matter then that there were things about my country that you could not fathom, that our food made you sick, and the tropical weather was unbearable.

because I had you, in my arms, I had you and we read to each other, in the only way lovers can.

* * * * *

To Yasmin,

You taught me this : Love is all you need. But even then, love is not without pain.

And I still believe that.

Thank you for everything. I was lucky enough to be touched by your passion, and your love through your work.

Rest in Peace, Yasmin Ahmad.
* * * *
To God,

October is coming soon.
I am certain. (as certain as human could be)
Beyond that, it is all you, dear God. And i leave it to you.

* * * *

hello twenty-two, life is beautiful

2009-06-10T15:50:00.004-04:00

picture courtesy of Kurt <3

Adding to that list...

2009-06-04T22:21:00.001-04:00

Barack Obama

People I want to be when I grow up

2009-06-04T17:26:00.002-04:00

Nate Silver
Alton Brown
Frantz Fanon
Ralph Williams

HOLY SHIT I AM NEVER BUYING FOOD AGAIN

2009-06-03T20:26:00.003-04:00

Seriously, guys, make your own food! Not only it is way cheaper, it is also way healthier! And it does not take that much time! And don't give me the "i-don't-know-how-to-cook-shit" look, because this is from a girl who were afraid of the stove until she was like, sixteen.

This is the girl who used to go hungry rather than cook!
This is the girl who used to make eggs in a microwave!
This is also the girl whose father took one look at her noodles, and told her "You should, um, work on the presentation!"

Cooking comes with time, and when you get it it will be all worth it!

So, for example, Hummus.
it costs less than 2 bucks to make a lot of hummus. 99cents for chickpeas, a little tahini, olive oil, lemon juice. Sure, maybe it'll go up to 2 bucks if you want to put in some pine nuts.
Hummus costs freaking six dollars at restaurants! and i haven't found good hummus around Ann Arbor yet!!

Pasta is dirt cheap.
A pound of pasta costs about $1.26. Can of tomato paste : 69cents
All you need to do is sautée some onions, green peppers and mushrooms, chicken
and then add tomato paste some salt, black pepper. And some dried herbs. And you are good to go! Less than 2 dollars!!
Or if you prefer cream/milk based, it's easy! learn how to make roux! it is just basically butter and flour.

Why pay 11dollars for pizza when you can make your own, easily under 15 minutes. If you are more ambitious, you can make your own dough, but a ready made dough cost from about 3.50 for two to 5bucks depending on the brand. And the great thing about pizza is, you can just find shit in your fridge and put it all over your pizza. Pop it in the oven at 450degrees and there you go Pizza done in 12 minutes! No kidding!

A cup of soup at Panera costs $4.25
You can make a pot of soup for less than 3 dollars. Less than half an hour. Easily! And you will get mushroom and chicken in every bite!

Don't even let me start with Asian food (malaysian, chinese, indian)
Curries, sambal etc. You can do it in less than half an hour. Siap dengan sayur. Haha.
E.g Ayam masak lemak, tumbuk cili, letak santan, letak atas dapur, masukkan ayam, kacau.

And rice. Rice is like 18-20bucks and it last for months!!

And why pay 3-5 bucks for sandwiches? You can get a french baguette for 2.95 at panera and you can make about 4 sandwiches out of that. Not to mention the old trusty sliced bread! 3bucks for the whole week. Buy your own deli meat, and put whatever you like on it!

This is just everyday stuff, that i usually make on regular basis. Hey, I am a college student too. I come home wanting to kill myself sometimes but trust me, rather than going on campus food and ordering food that will easily set you back 12 dollars, Cook!
Our groceries every month comes up to about 50-60 bucks a week between two people! Eating out cost you a lot more! Especially here in Ann Arbor!!

Yeah, yeah, the cleaning up part! it's not that bad! while waiting for your roux to brown, you can wash some of the utensils you've used.

And if you have time, or during the weekend, try something fancier and you'd be surprised how much you save!

This year has been great for me because my boyfriend and my lovely roommate just eat whatever I serve and I get to experiment a lot with food.

In the last post I mentioned, I made Tagine and Paella. Not only that! This year i have tried to make a lot of yummy foooood and I'd say most of them were successful.

Another great thing about cooking is, you'll try something when you travel and when you come home you can make it yourself! Puerto rico was food heaven for me, and it WAS expensive! But now i can make mofongo, with my 79cent plantains and bacon (beef). It cost us $16 there! I also learnt how to make the etouffé i had in New Orleans. YUMMY STUFF guys!

I try to do something different every weekend and it is so much fun!Oh, and with the internet you basically can find any recipe you want! after a while you will learn how to make it your own :P

some things that i have made this year:
enchilada, salmon potatocakes, alfredo, carbonara, primavera pasta, crepes, basil lamb, italian wedding soup (great soup! it has chicken meatballs in it), chicken kafta (arabfood isnt too complicated) etc etc

I even made my own recipe for this soup that Jamal loves. Once you get into this whole cooking thing, you can basically cook anything out of your pantry!

Of course, this does not mean I don't go out to eat at all! I love sushi,and sometimes i'd go to indian restaurants or good restaurants i've heard about. My point is, eating out should be a nice pleasure once in a while not a daily thing!

So there you go, guys! Pick up that spatula and start cooking and saving A LOT OF MONEYYYYYHHHH!

xoxoxo
fizah

p/s : I love allrecipes.com and myresipi.com (for malaysian food)

2009-05-25T12:45:00.002-04:00

in your arms, i find a place,
a little place, where you get to
forget me for a little bit,
while you read your little book
on our pink, uncomfortable
little couch.

and i sleep.

finding poetry in you

2009-05-16T10:16:00.002-04:00

i told him i need to write again. and he said i stopped writing probably for the same reason he did.

"Too content"

i told him, "you don't even write love stories,"

he told me he wrote out of ennui.

"Boredom?"

"Emptiness,"

i said, "i suppose that is not a bad thing,"

he said, "this is why we are not poets,"

Membaca Françoise Sagan di Ann Arbor

2009-05-15T02:09:00.003-04:00

Quand sa bouche chercha la mienne, je me mis à trembler de plaisir comme lui et notre baiser fut sans remords et sans honte, seuleument une profonde recherche, entrecoupée de murmures

Bonjour Tristesse, Françoise Sagan

Hier soir

2009-04-18T01:19:00.003-04:00

You said to me last night, "Je t'aimerais à jamais"

"tu sais, jamais means both ever and never,"

and i told you i wish i could write poetry for you.

Proving undecidability of first order logic or something like that

2009-04-17T00:54:00.005-04:00

And the professor said then, "Well time for it to be done on paper."

and, "Just like Humpty Dumpty said to Alice"

*blank stares*

"You know about the unbirthday and all,"

*blank stares*

And he just went on and narrated a section of "Alice in the Wonderland".

`They gave it me,' Humpty Dumpty continued thoughtfully, as he crossed one knee over the other and clasped his hands round it, `they gave it me -- for an un-birthday present.'

`I beg your pardon?' Alice said with a puzzled air.

`I'm not offended,' said Humpty Dumpty.

`I mean, what is and un-birthday present?'

`A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course.'

Alice considered a little. `I like birthday presents best,' she said at last.

`You don't know what you're talking about!' cried Humpty Dumpty. `How many days are there in a year?'

`Three hundred and sixty-five,' said Alice.

`And how many birthdays have you?'

`One.'

`And if you take one from three hundred and sixty-five, what remains?'

`Three hundred and sixty-four, of course.'

Humpty Dumpty looked doubtful. `I'd rather see that done on paper,' he said.

Alice couldn't help smiling as she took out her memorandum- book, and worked the sum for him:

365
1
___
364
___

Humpty Dumpty took the book, and looked at it carefully. `That seems to be done right -- ' he began.

`You're holding it upside down!' Alice interrupted.

`To be sure I was!' Humpty Dumpty said gaily, as she turned it round for him. `I thought it looked a little queer. As I was saying, that seems to be done right -- though I haven't time to look it over thoroughly just now -- and that shows that there are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents -- '

`Certainly,' said Alice.

`And only one for birthday presents, you know. There's glory for you!'

`I don't know what you mean by "glory,"' Alice said.

Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. `Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant "there's a nice knock-down argument for you!"'

`But "glory" doesn't mean "a nice knock-down argument,"' Alice objected.

`When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less.'

`The question is,' said Alice, `whether you can make words mean so many different things.'

`The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, `which is to be master - - that's all.'

Totally made my day.

well, fuck you too linear algebra

2009-04-02T21:00:00.002-04:00

that's all i have to say.

the first five questions went on smoothly, I was going fuck yeah, I am kicking ass.

Then I got my ass kicked.

By fucking

1) if an eigenvalue of a matrix A is 3, prove that eigenvalue of A^2 is 9.
(ugh, i wish i hadnt panicked, i was going to bed and i totally figured this one out)
2) H and W are subspaces of V with basis {h1, h2} and {w1,w2} respectively. Show that {h1,h2,w1,w2} are linearly dependent. And then show that there is a vector v that is both in H and W.
( I think I might've answered the first part correctly but not too sure on the second one)
3) fuck this one. I wrote a paragraph of total bullshit about how linear transformation U can't be invertible because the matrix A associated to it is 4x2 and can only have at most 4 pivot positions.

la patrie

2009-03-30T22:37:00.003-04:00

In efforts of making class even more fun, my lovely french theater professor decided we are not writing the usual 3 page essay. Instead, we get to delve into our creative side and write a 7page playbill on our own adaptation of one of the plays we read in class.

Le Tartuffe, despite driving me to insanity and self-loathing for its 1,962 12-syllable lines of rhyming couplets in 17th century French (note : I just got out of Fr 235 which was basically reading stupid articles and answering comprehension questions), was the one play that I could really identify with. Brieux's "Maternité" was interesting enough, but I skipped the day we discussed the last part of the play and haven't bothered finishing it.

Le Tartuffe deals with religious hypocrisy and blind faith, and we all know how much I love religious hypocrisy and blind faith.

Thanks to eleven years of Pendidikan Islam, and my infamous one year stint at a religious boarding school... and being under the watchful eyes of the moral police in malaysia... I decided to see how Islam is really played in Malaysia and how much of it is politicizing religion. I brought up the yoga issue, and the girls in my peer editing group thought it was a creative idea until one of them said,

"It's a great idea, but it is a little bit ridiculous... I mean, i dont understand what yoga has to do with deviating one's faith...

...unless this is real?"

"Unfortunately yes."

"No way!"

C'est exactement, quoi?

* * * *
Two weeks ago, my Filipino boss brought us to a coffee table discussion on religious pluralism in southeast asia.

There were many scholars from SEA and around the states, and discussion was started off with the issue of Jaipung dance in Indonesia and how it is suddenly a controversy. I don't know much about this dance or the issue but apparently it is an issue because of its erotic moves etc. But the point that they were making was that Jaipung dance was taken out of its folk context and now made into some sort of performance arts and further eroticisized for performance's sake and that is what some of the religious groups are against.
Then of course, one person brought up Yoga in malaysia, and they argued that it is a different case.
And somewhere in the discussion, this professor from Thailand quipped, "Ah, but in Malaysia, politics is their performance arts"

Laughter all around.

* * * *

is it inevitable that blogs die?

2009-02-03T01:02:00.002-05:00

what is the poetry of happiness, when the extent of it can't even be contracted into lines;

You just look at the sky and smile

and these feelings, you can't really put down.

....

This blog was never for la vie quotidienne, n'est-ce pas ?

deux mille neuf

2009-01-11T01:49:00.002-05:00

here's what i am going to say about 2008.

Omnia mutantur, nihil interit

Everything changes, nothing dies.

:)

in essence, people change, love changes, life changes ... everything is in constant motion.

2008 was a year of such, and I embraced it.
In the end, I am still who I am, and who I want to be.

Amor vincit omnia.

Here is to Fithri, the love of my life, who knows me inside out that nothing I do would surprise her. One of these days, I am going to print out our emails and make a book out of them and take it with me everywhere I go. That's my whole life, with tears and laughter and corny stories and life lessons learned. This year would mark our 8th year of friendship and I am looking forward to the adventures that await us. Which means more emails with OMG BABE MUST REPLY. THIS IS IMPORTANT. as our subject title.

woot woot.

Happy New Year!!

On another note, Europe was pretty fucking amazing, I promised myself I would write an entry but it was a 2 week vacation and... haha.. we'll see.

I told Khairul this, "Europe has left me even more in love than before,"

2009, fizah is here to kickass. w00t!

Four Little Indians and a Pilgrim

2008-12-01T19:55:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving break was pretty goddamn amazing, that's all I have to say.

Title might or might not explain the happenings of the 4-day festivities.

I had 3 papers due this week. My anthrobio paper was due at 10 am this morning and my CompLit and French papers are due wednesday.

Haha.

So homework did happen somewhere in the festivities but I still stayed up all night writing my Anthrobio paper.

Which brings me to this point. Read this.

http://www.projectmalaysia.org/2008/09/the-lost-tribes-of-malaysia-the-construction-of-race-politics-from-the-colonial-era-to-the-present-part-one/all/1/

When I was looking for a topic for this paper, I had Malaysia in mind but was more interested in the racial/ethnic classification in Malaysia. I found a wonderful paper by Charles Hirschman on Malaysian census.
Then I started thinking, how does the evolution of census relate to the formation of racial politics in Malaysia? And as always, Farish A Noor never disappointed.

So dudebros if you feel like reading, read that article. Woot!

My best friend misses me and wants me to update

2008-11-13T01:03:00.002-05:00

1. Just bought our Eurorail tickets last weekend. We are going to Paris-Nantes-Nice-Brussels-Bruges-Amsterdam in December!! I am über excited!!
2. Stats 426 is actually not too bad :) However, I dropped Math520 because I don't feel like fucking up my GPA. :(
3. French 235 is fifth semester French and the easiest class I've ever taken in Michigan. Ever. Except it makes me lazylazylazylazy.
4. After pretending that I didn't mind the futon for the last 6months or so, my body just finally gave up on me. So i found a full bed+boxspring+frame for $50 on craiglist and now I sleep like a baby. w00t!
5. Halloween was funtimes!! Khairul actually came out of his shell and was Charlie Chaplin. Dian was a witch (heh heh heh) and Jamal was an Indian Prince (or something like that.LOLOLOLOLOLOL). Favorite costume : Roscharch from Watchmen.
6. I love my new vacuum.
7. I fell asleep at my own election party AND during the most historic speech of our time. WTF FIZA??????
8. I scraped my knee because my boyfriend is a dumbass.

Happy now Fithriiiiiiiii??

ROFL

2008-10-11T15:17:00.001-04:00

LOLOLOLOLOL

foods and such

2008-10-05T10:34:00.002-04:00

I had this resolution earlier this school year that I am going to learn to make a new international dish every week. heh heh.

My grandma is my inspiration because anything she touches just basically turn into amazing food. and she has this innate ability to taste something and immediately know what's in them and she'll be like, "bah, i can make this" and she actually makes it. really good too.

mmmm k.

so far I have made two dishes! w00t!

1. Paella
Paella is a Spanish rice dish which I think is considered as one of the national food of spain. kira macam nasi lemak kita la. lol. I made Valencian paella. It is basically rice cooked in vegetable and beans and meat in a shallow pot.

2. Tagine
Tagine is some kind of morroccan stew. I made lamb tagine, and it was very successful. hehe.I love this dish because it has lots of spices (LOTS!) and there are also pears and raisins to give it a sweet taste. serve over couscous. Yum~!

Feel free to give me suggestions and recipe because I am excited with this new project of mine.

"We are a team of mavericks"

2008-10-03T14:15:00.003-04:00

Main Entry:: ¹mav·er·ick
Pronunciation:: \ˈmav-rik, ˈma-və-\
Function:: noun
Etymology:: Samuel A. Maverick †1870 American pioneer who did not brand his calves
Date:: 1867

1: an unbranded range animal ; especially : a motherless calf
2: an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party
3 : America's answer to all their problems according to Sarah Palin.

after the spectacle that is the katie couric interview, i guess Palin did exceed my expectations. she didn't crash and burn, but it was funtimes nonetheless.

I'm doing this only because I love my Teda :)

2008-09-24T20:18:00.002-04:00

1.How old are you?
21
Yes, even Fizah is 21! w00t!

2. are you single?
heh heh.

3. in what age do you think you’ll get married?
according to ann's palm reading, 24. so we'll see about that. LOL.

4. do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now??
heh heh.

5. if not, who do you want to marry?
heh heh.

6. do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?
traditional all the way woo!

7. your ideal motif?
my favorite colors. LOL.

8. where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
around the world! woo!

9. how many guests do you think you’ll invite?
rakan-rakan tercinta. entah, probably will be a small wedding. it kinda depends on where i'll be married. heh heh.

10. do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
a simple one will do. depends if i marry this guy or not. LOLOLOLOLOL

11. do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own??
HAHAHHA ditto teds.

12. how many layers of cake do you want to have?
Hahahahahahahahha. Aku ni dah la pendek, kek pendek2 sudah.

13. do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?
hohoho. i've always prefered weddings at my kampung because the food is simple but spectacular and anyone can just drop in and eat.

14. when do you want to get married, evening or morning?
nikah pagi, makan malam?

15. you’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
Haha. BOTH.

16. do you like a grand entrance for your groom?
Yeah right.

18. name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding??
LOL.

19. are you a morning person or a night person?
Both!

20. do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
LOL Apekah?

21. what age do you want to get married?
25 la kot

22. describe your ideal husband/wife.
haha tinggi, berambut kerinting.... lolololol

23. do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
LOL WTF?

24. champagne or red wine?
Entah. whatever he likes.

25. honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
After the wedding baby.

26. money or hosusehold item?
GIVE ME THE MONEY.

27. who will pay for the bills?
HIM? YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

28. are you ready for married life?
FOR SURE MAN

29. do u think you will still be a virgin until u get married?
WOOT

30. will u always be true to your wife/husband?
heh.

31. how many kids do u like?
maximum 4.

32. a new house for a newly wed or an old one?
new house/

33. will u celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?
Mmmm, any reason to get an expensive present. LOL

34. what kind of cuisine would u like for ur wedding?
authentic malaysian food.

35. will u record ur honeymoon in a cd or dvd?
Heh. maybe.

Ayam Fi Hodnik (Days Spent in Your Arms)

2008-08-10T18:11:00.001-04:00

يا ليل يا ليلي يا ليل
أيام في حضنك
و الروح هنية
شمس صيف و أبدية
لمت أيامنا المنسية
أيام ....
والزمن غربته عسلية
لو كنت حأعيش مرة تانية
ما كنت حأغير و لا ثانية
أيام طيبة والنور يشع بحرية

My soul is blissful in the days spent in your arms
An eternal summer sun has brought back our forgotten days
Immortal days in a time when homesickness is sweet as honey
If I were to live this life all over again I wouldn't have changed a single second
Beautiful days where light shines freely
And the good that's between us fills our life with love and affection

Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

2008-07-26T17:24:00.000-04:00

Rien n'est jamais acquis à l'homme Ni sa force
Ni sa faiblesse ni son coeur Et quand il croit
Ouvrir ses bras son ombre est celle d'une croix
Et quand il croit serrer son bonheur il le broie
Sa vie est un étrange et douloureux divorce
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Sa vie Elle ressemble à ces soldats sans armes
Qu'on avait habillés pour un autre destin
A quoi peut leur servir de se lever matin
Eux qu'on retrouve au soir désoeuvrés incertains
Dites ces mots Ma vie Et retenez vos larmes
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Mon bel amour mon cher amour ma déchirure
Je te porte dans moi comme un oiseau blessé
Et ceux-là sans savoir nous regardent passer
Répétant après moi les mots que j'ai tressés
Et qui pour tes grands yeux tout aussitôt moururent
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Le temps d'apprendre à vivre il est déjà trop tard
Que pleurent dans la nuit nos coeurs à l'unisson
Ce qu'il faut de malheur pour la moindre chanson
Ce qu'il faut de regrets pour payer un frisson
Ce qu'il faut de sanglots pour un air de guitare
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Il n'y a pas d'amour qui ne soit à douleur
Il n'y a pas d'amour dont on ne soit meurtri
Il n'y a pas d'amour dont on ne soit flétri
Et pas plus que de toi l'amour de la patrie
Il n'y a pas d'amour qui ne vive de pleurs
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux
Mais c'est notre amour à tous les deux

Louis Aragon (La Diane Francaise, Seghers 1946)

happy birthday you

2008-06-29T11:39:00.003-04:00

this is for you, who's always been there for me.

no one will ever love me like you do.

Happy 21st.

I'm sorry things didn't go as planned.

I love you Hafiz. Always.

xoxo
bff

woooooo

2008-06-29T09:33:00.002-04:00

So I didn't mean to abandon this blog, but wow, after FM things have been really crazy and hectic!

As the tradition of post-hiatus, here in order what has happened:

1. Birthday Festivities.
I had a wonderful birthday. Joe and I share the same birthday and we had a lot of fun fancying up my 21st and his 27th. So we went to La Dolce Vita and had fancy cheese and desserts. Joe had his cognac and cigars. I took a puff of the Nicaraguan and the Vanilla. The Nicaraguan had a strong taste and it tasted like firecrackers but the Vanilla was pleasant enough but no smoking for me until forever. Next night we had a party at Joe's place where he had his wine and caviar and i made food. He had a huge selection of caviar and even the little bleenie(?) things that you eat your caviar with. and i fell in love with the black sturgent. Lauren brought a hookah and it was a pretty turkish one and I burned joe's carpet with coals. Hahaha. The party also hooked up two couples. w00t! this is my kinda party! :D :D :D Joe drank so much that he had a hangover for two days and so the beach trip was off :( but I had a good birthday! wooooo! We did go see Sex and The City though and it was all good girly fun.

2. Top of The Park : My Dear Disco and The Macpodz
It was a good night of good music and a lot of dancing! My Dear Disco is an upcoming local band and the bassist was in my russian class (i only found out about this after the class was almost over. boo) The Macpodz were pretty awesome! I went with Salah, Joe, Marina and Liz.

3. Makan-makan di N. Ingalls
We finally opened our house to the Malaysian community and it was nice to finally see people. :) :)

4.The Incredible Hulk and Top of The Park : Salah's choice
Went to see The Hulk with the double J's (LOL they will kill me for that) and it was pretty good. Better than I expected. Then I went to the TOTP to see Salah and he was with Mukhriz and Nabil.

5. Finals and portfolio
WOOOOO I KICKED 423 ASS. (OK, not the A i expected but WOOOOOOOO)
And i wrote a bunch of poems last minute and still got a good grade. WOOOOOOO.

6. NEW YORK OH MY GOD NEW YORK
despite completely depleting my savings account, I had an amazing time with Teda. I LOVE YOU TEDA!!!!!!!!!!

7. Bar Louie
I missed Marina's birthday because I was in NYC, so we had a little get together with her friends at Bar Louie. it's pretty cool, my non-alcoholic drink was really good. it had lemon, berries and pear.

So, there!

:) pretty shoes

2008-06-03T18:28:00.002-04:00

hihihihihihihi.

yes, i am giggling over my shoes.

Heh heh.
Heh heh.

Hihihihihi.

:)

Oh, right. FM. Haha. That is all in the past.

Heh heh.

just right across Prometric Center where FM happened is a Mall.

Hihihihihi.

So while waiting for Joe to come pick me up, I thought I'd drop by to see the mall.

Hihihihi.

I fell in love.

With these~

Hihi. It was a bit pricey, more than I'd usually spend on shoes. But look! They make me giggle.

AND THEY MAKE ME ALMOST AS TALL AS ANUM!

:D

Membaca Gabriel Garcia Marquez di Ann Arbor

2008-05-31T12:37:00.003-04:00

Things They Said about The Revolution

“Remember my friend, it is not me who killed you. It is the revolution”

“Go to hell, friend”

--One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Burning, crackling, authority,

In the last moments of his life

He remembers

The fire that was

In her heart, distinguished

As he held her

In the rain that resembled

Her cherry-red lips,

You asked

if the revolution was meant

for us,

if the fight for a place, relentless.

meant losing

everything you fought for

and he tells you, one is never free

unless he has a place

to come back to.

In the last moments of his life,

He faces the shooting troops

Burning, crackling authority.

the nights i didn't cry

2008-05-24T16:10:00.000-04:00

ce soir, tu m’as dit , une histoire amoureuse. je pense c’est notre histoire, mais tu dit sans le soleil dans tes yeux, comme ils étaient avant.

nous avons ecouter la musique et tu ne chante pas.

mais nous a souri ce soir et on a ri.

je pense, nous sommes heureux, n’est-ce pas?

Malgré tout.

SUNSHINEEEEEEE PLEASEEEEE

2008-05-22T09:51:00.000-04:00

i will whine until i get my sunshine

2008-05-21T08:10:00.002-04:00

oh sunshine, how you lie

2008-05-20T19:44:00.003-04:00

Oh Ann Arbor!

I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR STUPID WEATHER.

WHAT THE FUCK!

it is MAY! FUCKING MAY!!

may 20th.

WE HAVE HAD SNOW SINCE FUCKING NOVEMBER.

I think it should be time for it to be, I don't know...

A LITTLE BIT WARMER?

the world is a parody of itself

2008-05-18T10:53:00.002-04:00

I just find this terribly amusing and funny in every aspect.

This, I just find terribly stupid.

Let us bask in the sunshine of pure idiocy.

:)

Have a good day, my lovelies.

FM is wonderful

2008-05-15T00:04:00.002-04:00

Actuaries are well compensated. Experienced Fellows have the potential to earn from $150,000 to $250,000 annually. In fact, did you know that new Associate actuaries earned a higher salary than the average MBA in 2002?

HAHAHHAHAHA ACTUARIES OWN B-SCHOOL SUCK UPS
w00t! w00t!

(no offense to the people that i like in Ross)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am not in the right mind.

fairytale V

2008-05-14T03:11:00.002-04:00

she says,

"You'd want someone who'd fight for you anyway,"

did it matter then, that he didn't?
ohwell.

ma mere

2008-05-11T18:58:00.003-04:00

this is my mother. she has a ticking heart.
she's not a woman of many words but she said these when I first discovered boys.
"Don't play with people's heart,"
my mother laughs at me when I get a D. And she tells me later when I get an A that she knows that I'd come through.
my mother can't sing for peanuts, and I am proud to say I got that from her.

eventhough she never says this, i know i'm her favourite =P

happy mother's day mama!!
I miss you so much!

Love,
your favorite daughter

kamu yang saya hampir lupakan

2008-05-04T09:54:00.004-04:00

semalam kita berjumpa setelah sekian lama. rambut kamu dah panjang sedikit, muka dah berisi, tapi kamu tetap kamu. masih dengan ketawa kamu, senyuman kamu.

dan kamu memang tetap kamu.

kamu dengan your hatred for humanity. kamu tiada perasaan amarah, kata kamu manusia2 yang bodoh di dunia ni semua punya perasaan amarah yang tak tahu nak dilepaskan ke mana.

kata kamu, "stop being angry, man. the world is going to fucking end in the end, what're you so angry about,"

saya mengangguk setuju. dan kadangkala di tengah-tengah perbualan, kita melirik sesama lain dan tersenyum.

saya tertawa banyak sekali semalam kerana kamu masih kamu. dan kita duduk di atas sofa empuk kamu, dan kamu duduk sambil memeluk lutut kamu bercerita tentang kegagalan institusi keluarga, tentang manusia yang bodoh dan tentang cinta.

"Love. Everybody need to just fucking love,"

dan kemudian kamu kata, quoting Prince, "To live, you need to die a little,"

Dan saya tertawa dan kamu tanya "What's so funny?"

Kamu masih kamu dengan kebencian kamu dengan humanity. kamu kecewa. saya tahu. kamu dah putus asa dengan humanity.

Kita sebok bercakap sambil mendengar Prince. Kelakar kan?

Tiba-tiba kamu pusing kepada saya dan kamu kata, "Want to hear a long story?"

Dan kamu bercerita. Tentang kamu yang 6 tahun. Kamu yang 12 tahun. Kamu yang 19 tahun. Dan semester lepas, dan dua semester lepas.

Dan sebab-sebab kamu dah lama tak bertelefon dengan saya.

Dan kamu akan mula treatment hari isnin ini.

Saya terdiam.

Kamu diam. Dan kamu pandang saya, dengan senyuman kamu.

Saya kira kamu masih kamu. lalu saya tersenyum kembali.

SUMMER READING LIST

2008-04-30T10:12:00.003-04:00

This is what I do every year

Fiction
1. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
2. Love in the time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
3. Crime and Punishment - Dostoevsky
4. Swann's Way - Proust

Non-Fiction

Works by :
Frantz Fanon
Aime Cesaire
Edward M Said
Kant
Nietschze

will add more later, my brain is not functioning right now.

fairytale IV

2008-04-29T08:52:00.002-04:00

I had a dream about you last night. You told me the things I already knew and yet I woke up, my heart aching, and I pulled the blanket over my head and curled into a ball.

When I told you it was over, maybe it wasn't really.

2008-04-24T16:20:00.003-04:00

in these little moments of interactions, our hands my brush against each other and we might pause for a little bit to see, to hear, to listen...

but it is the touch that we crave for.

a warm hand against another. warm lips against another. and at last,

converging

and we realize

we are all just human.

* * * * *

my red roses are still on the table albeit being dried up, wilted and dead.

* * * * *

and then he tells me he sent those flowers.

* * * * *
and then i tell him no.

This Blog Survived Finals Week

2008-04-22T17:08:00.001-04:00

Hehehehhe. No emo posts on how I wish I could die right now et cetera et cetera.

Wow.

on a sweeter note, finals OVER!

of a life of dreams

2008-04-19T11:05:00.001-04:00

omnia mutantur nihil interit

hidup tanpa drama

2008-04-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

o sweet life!

esok

2008-04-17T20:16:00.002-04:00

mungkin kita akan duduk di satu tempat, dan berfikir pada diri sendiri, "apa tak terlalu cepat ke semua ini?"

dan mungkin kita akan bertanya pada satu sama lain soalan yang sama, dan saya tiada jawapan untuk soalan itu.

mungkin saya harap kamu ada jawapannya.

mungkin juga kita akan duduk sambil makan-makan, bergelak-ketawa dan tersentak apabila kita sedar perkara-perkara yang membezakan kita jua lah yang bakal menjadi jurang antara kita. dan mungkin kita akan bertanya lagi.

dan mungkin saya tak kan punya jawapan untuk soalan kamu. dan mungkin kamu sedang berfikir perkara yang sama.

dan saya harap kamu ada jawapannya.

tunggu sajalah hari esok. mungkin kita akan tahu jawapannya.

How to learn pronom d'objet diret

2008-04-17T01:29:00.000-04:00

He used to listen to me. Il m’écoutait.
He used to talk to me. Il me parlait.
He used to love me. Il m’aimait.

kepada kawan baik selama-lamanya

2008-04-16T19:45:00.002-04:00

setahun lalu, saya sedar hati saya bukan di tempat yang betul. tapi saya tak sanggup nak lepaskan apa yang kita dah bina selama 3 tahun, sebab saya dah rasa perasaan bersama kamu.

saya bagitahu kamu, dan mungkin hati kamu pecah tapi kamu kata "we can make it work,"

saya setuju, saya kata saya akan cuba.

dan saya telah cuba. selama setahun ini, saya cuba untuk jatuh cinta dengan kamu. sayang, saya sayang kan kamu. saya sayang kan kamu lebih daripada saya sayangkan semua orang. tapi saya tak cinta.

tak tahu lah. mungkin sebab jauh. mungkin sebab hati dah tawar.

saya marah dengan diri sendiri. sebab siapa lagi yang akan sayang saya macam kamu sayang saya. siapa lagi yang akan layan saya macam kamu layan saya.

tapi saya dah cuba.

dalam setahun, saya rasa saya memang sayang benar dengan kamu. kamu lah kawan saya. teman saya.

tapi cinta, dalam hati macam dah tiada. saya tak tahu nak buat apa. saya bingung.

setiap kali saya minta berpisah, saya tarik balik kerana sayangnya saya kepada kita.

tapi nampaknya kali ini, saya dah cuba sedaya upaya.

Dan saya dah penat memaksa diri jatuh cinta.

Jadi, sayang, saya mohon maaf. Saya bukan nak lari. Tapi saya nak mencari hati saya yang hilang.

Mungkin satu hari nanti, saya akan sedar, dan kamu mungkin dah tiada. Dan mungkin saya akan menyesal.

Tapi sekarang hati saya bukan ada pada tempatnya. Percayalah kalau ada apa yang saya boleh minta dari Tuhan, saya minta saya jatuh cinta pada kamu.

Kerana sampai sekarang pun, masa-masa kita membina cinta kita - those are the best times of my life. Saya tak tipu.

Tapi hati saya dah hilang. Saya tak tahu kemana.

Biar saya pergi cari dulu, ya?

Saya takkan suruh kamu tunggu kerana itu tak adil. Jangan tunggu sayang.

2008-04-16T11:48:00.000-04:00

i am done pining. O yeah!

:D

2008-04-16T10:22:00.002-04:00

while i'm not a sentimental person, i'm pretty emotional. however, i'd like to think i have a remote control to my emotions. and I think i do pretty well with it. i'm pretty rational when i choose to be.

so right now.

i am tired of the fuckfest the emotions bring.

Fuck it. I'm switching off my emotions.

:)

i am now officially emotionless.

Thank you. You should try it. Life is so much better.

hari ini

2008-04-15T04:46:00.001-04:00

"kita ada gajah di tengah-tengah bilik," kata kamu.

"bolehkah nak jalan senyap-senyap sekeliling gajah ini?"

Kita banyak ketawa hari ini, sebab nak elak daripada gajah putih besar.

Tapi lama-lama, gajah sebesar macam tu memang tak boleh nak dibuat-buat tak tahu.

Kita berbicara, tentang our prospects.

Kata kamu, "Kita punya kepercayaan berbeza."

"Saya percayakan Tuhan, dan kamu tidak?"

"Saya percaya kewujudan Tuhan tapi ideal kita berlainan, tentang banyak perkara,"

Lama-lama, mulut tersenyap lalu lidah yang bermain kata.

semalam

2008-04-14T20:22:00.003-04:00

Dalam pelukan kamu, saya hampir tertidur. Kamu ketawa, kata kamu, "Hey, kalau kamu tidur, saya balik,"

"Tapi, saya sangat selesa,"

Dalam pelukan kamu juga, saya terfikir tentang perkara-perkara yang tak mahu diingati.
Tapi, perkara-perakara ini lah yang tak mahu lari dari kepala saya.

"Apa yang kamu fikirkan?"

"Tiada apa-apa,"

Kamu pandang mata saya. "Saya kira, kamu akan beritahu saya juga lambat laun,"

"Mungkin,"

"Kamu ini pandai nak sembunyikan air mata, kan?"

Saya tertawa. Teringat dahulu saya suka kata, "Saya ketawa bila saya terlalu sedih untuk menangis,"

"Saya tak menangis kalau ada kematian," kata saya kepada kamu.

Kamu terdiam tapi kamu tak lepaskan tangan kamu.

"Kamu ni tak pandai nak lepaskan benda yang dah tiada,"

Kali ini saya pula terdiam.

Saya masih dalam pelukan kamu.

Denial is a pretty place

2008-04-13T15:46:00.003-04:00

The 8 months or so my mother was in and out of the hospital, I stopped writing in my diary. If I did, it was never about her.

I used to have a green book that used to be my Geography note book where I write my denials at random pages.

I don't cry at funerals. Even when I try to. People find this weird because I would cry at sappy love movies.

Sometimes I sit in the bathtub and cry over the people I've lost because I didn't cry at their funerals.

I am not a sentimental person. I don't associate memory with things. I keep them for practical reasons.

When I smile, I want you to believe that I'm happy and leave it at that.

When I cry, just let me cry. I will stop when I get tired.

I will not kill myself. You got my word for that.

dua malam lepas

2008-04-13T12:46:00.002-04:00

Kata kamu kepada saya, sambil kita berjalan di bawah hujan,

"Tangan kamu saja yang saya bisa pegang, kenapa ya?"

"Mungkin sebab kamu takut saya hilang?"

"Mungkin," kamu tertawa. "Kamu ni kecil sangat, senang nak hilang,"

Malam datang, dalam kita ketawa bersama rakan-rakan kamu yang entah akan ingat nama saya esok harinya, kamu tarik tangan saya,

"Saya tahu kamu sejuk,"

Kita bercakap banyak malam itu, tentang the end of humanity, teori-teori fizik dan tentang Newton, tentang perut lembu, dan banyak lagi persoalan-persoalan falsafah dunia.

Bila bercakap pasal tuhan, kamu mesti tertawa. You find my faith funny. I know. Tapi saya kira, for a non-believer, faith is a funny thing.

Tangan saya dalam tangan kamu, tangan kamu dalam tangan saya.

Entah kenapa, it feels right.

of regret

2008-04-13T11:22:00.002-04:00

In Golf, there are four steps you have to do to have a complete swing.

First, grip.
Second, stance.
Third, back swing.
Fourth, Follow Through.

Although "follow through" in retrospect, seem to serve no purpose, it is important because it keeps the clubface accelerating at impact!

In Life, when a decision is made, there are four steps

First, hold on to it.
Second, stand by it.
Third, do it.
Fourth, follow through.

And as in Golf, you never look back.

Your next focus is where to hit the ball to next.

* * * * *

YES THIS IS CORNY AS FUCK. :D

The Band's Visit

2008-04-12T03:04:00.007-04:00

I'm not going to say anything except that this movie took my heart away and you should see it. It's simply spectacular.

padan muka

2008-04-12T02:45:00.001-04:00

dengar lagi lagu jamal abdillah malam-malam macam ni.

in french

2008-04-10T04:23:00.002-04:00

when you want to say "I miss you", you'll say "Tu me manques,"

which literally translates to

"You are lacking from me"

my favorite storyteller, now en anglais!

2008-04-06T17:12:00.003-04:00

Wong Kar Wai has a new movie.

My Blueberry Nights

Jude Law? Natalie Portman? Rachel Weisz?

Man.

This guy needs to marry me. Or something.

I need to watch this!

2008-04-05T23:48:00.003-04:00

il y a un an j'ai pleure pour toi.

mais ce soir, les larmes sont venues.

kamu

2008-04-05T20:42:00.000-04:00

dan kemudian, matahari

2008-04-05T20:36:00.001-04:00

hey sunshine, tell me how to forget.

fairytale III

2008-04-05T20:32:00.004-04:00

he had your scent and he sang the songs you sang to me

yang jauh, yang dekat

2008-04-05T20:06:00.002-04:00

dalam kita berbicara tentang cinta, menghirup kopi, bercerita tentang luka dan kita berdebat tentang moral.

ah, morality, kamu mencemuh.

You have very loose principles, saya ketawa.

saya kira kamu tersengih ketawa setuju.

saya kira juga, garisan yang memisahkan moral kita, sudah terlalu hampir.

dan entah kenapa, bila tangan bertemu

ah, morality, kamu tertawa lagi.

Bags I need

2008-04-02T02:40:00.003-04:00

The Hermes Kelly Bag

Hermes Kelly Longue

href="http://www.purseblog.com/images/hermes-kelly-croc-longue.jpg">

because prem and melati makes me smile :) and because I can't dance to save my life :)

2008-04-01T23:25:00.003-04:00

Enjoy!

Part deux!

Membaca Turgenev di Ann Arbor

2008-03-31T12:50:00.003-04:00

"Years of gladness,

Days of joy,

Like the torrents of the spring

They hurried away"

An old ballad

"First love is like a revolution: the uniformly regular routine of ordered life is broken down and shattered in one instant; youth mounts the barricade, waves high its bright flag and whatever awaits it in the future--death or new life--all alike it goes to meet with ecstatic welcome"

Spring Torrents, Ivan Turgenev

Turgenev succeeds in the idealization of love; that in practice, love itself is impossible. Perhaps, that was what I find striking in this love story of two young lovers- that we all like to believe in that one concept of idealized love...

It leaves my heart with a sort of a melancholic feeling ... not so much of sadness..

rather a kind of emptiness in the heart

which scares me.

Aih, kan senang kalau kisah cinta kita macam Prem dan Melati (the second lifetime). :)

Membaca Dostoevsky di Ann Arbor

2008-03-31T03:43:00.001-04:00

"I'm an x in an indeterminate equation"

menari-nari

2008-03-29T12:43:00.001-04:00

Most frequent reaction when I tell people i'll be dancing for SEA night

"What? You can't even walk properly, how would you dance?"

some people

2008-03-26T22:54:00.000-04:00

just makes me sad :(

e.e cummings once lamented, "Oh Humanity, I hate You,"

2008-03-18T14:33:00.001-04:00

and I recount,

"Oh Humanity,"

tiba-tiba rindu nak cakap utara

2008-03-13T01:25:00.007-04:00

"ni, tang ni ha, hangpa kena jaga,"

opah on abstinence.

i'm getting there (where you are)

2008-03-12T03:04:00.002-04:00

Yes, wait just wait.

I know you think I'm pathetic right now for holding on too long.

I'm getting there.

fairytale II

2008-03-12T02:57:00.002-04:00

I miss you. You, whom I used to kiss silly.
You silly little boy.

Mimpi mimpi indah

2008-03-11T15:44:00.002-04:00

In Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, Anna has this recurring dream of a french speaking muzhik(peasant) who is working with iron.

Anna, is a mode of change and modernity and represents a Russia that is in transition.

Iron reflects the railway, another symbol of modernity.

The Muzhik symbolizes a simple agrarian lifestyle.

Anna's dreams of this french speaking peasant is bizarre because peasants don't speak French. In a way it also foreshadows the end. And also through this dream, Tolstoy connects rejection of modernity.

Now,

I've had this recurring dream for the past two years. And two nights ago, it came back.

It has a serial killer in it and a former lover.

And Hafiz.

And it's always on my birthday.

Happy Election Day Malaysians!

2008-03-07T17:41:00.001-05:00

A pick-up line for those who are politically inclined

"It's election day, can I put my vote in your ballot?"

siri apresiasi mamak

2008-03-07T17:07:00.002-05:00

Lepaking in this capitalist country is really burning a hole in my pocket. Damn all those overpriced cafes.

Situation 1

Jamal : Hey, what do you want to do?
Me : I don't know.
Jamal : Well, I have... (patting his backpack)
Me : No I do not want to smoke pot with you.
Jamal : Fine lets go get coffee
Me : That works.

1 medium chocolate chai = $3.50

Situation 2

Me : It is 9 am and i think brain functions not. Am I talking to myself again? I think I need coffee.
Me 2: You are not giving the capitalists who make money practically out of nothing $1.60 for two measly shots of espresso.
Me: I can't function right now.
Me 2 : Why didnt you use your coffee machine then?
Me : Because I slept at 4 am and woke up at 8 and had to take the bus at 8.30, THATS WHY! ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

Situation 3.
I love Bert. He's awesome. But he is also evil. I guess a necessary evil. Oh well.

Before Bert's
Joe : Fizah. Go get me some coffee.
Fizah : What? Are u crazy? It's -33 outside.

After Bert's
Joe: Man, I am tired.
Fizah : Me too. I need caffeine.
Joe : Well...
Fizah : (already at the door) Let's go!

1 medium latte = $2.95
1 muffin = $1.85

Situation 4

Joe : Alla is here!
Me : Alla! I've missed you.
Alla : Let's go get bubble tea.
Me : We should! I haven't seen you in a while.
Alla : I know. They have bubble tea at State (MSU) but everytime i come down here, I need to get bubble tea.
Me : Tell me about it!

1 bubble tea drink = $3.45

I miss mamak. Boo hoo hoo.

things

2008-03-07T01:53:00.002-05:00

The word "utara" slipped off my memory two days ago, and somehow "selatan" in my mind was north and I frantically searched for the malay word for south.

***

To you,

I'm getting there.

***

Tuhan itu yang Maha Kuasa

conversations

2008-03-03T04:19:00.001-05:00

our conversations lately have become quite disconcerting, in the way we dance around our words,
the delicate metaphors of contemplation
-or rejection.

Thoughts, of which I find the meaning of missing.

2008-03-03T04:04:00.003-05:00

I long for you, you, the one with that bemused smile
- as if confounded by the idea of love
and me, whom you think quite amusing.

How I Spent One Whole Week Without Math

2008-03-02T10:28:00.002-05:00

ohmygod. i did it. one whole week. without math. without numbers. no interest rates. no OLB. no random variables. no p.m.f.

granted, my probability text book is giving me the evil eye from the corner where I conveniently put it hidden under papers.

and that I actually did plan to do some "catching up with math".

oh but hell, I had a great week. Spring break was a long overdue break.

Bak kata Alpo, "Best kan cuti. Kalau masa kelas, rasa macam nak bunuh diri". Well said.

So, here, ladies and gentlemen, How I Went Without Math For A Week

Friday, my lovely friend Farisa took the gallant act and boarded the greyhound bus from Canada. It was a brave move for I've heard enough horrible stories about Greyhound, but she made it. And Joe and I picked her up and we went to Bubble Island where Lumie is waiting. We bonded over bubble tea and taboo.

Saturday, was shopping day. Retail therapy is IT, man. Simon and Tailo joined us but Joe decided that he wants to shop with the girls. Ok. I love shopping. Seriously. I love shopping. I love love shopping. After 8 hours, Joe was practically dying of hunger and Farisa and I decided that we should get dinner. We had dinner at UNO Pizza which was awesome. We had shrimp and crab fondue for appetizer and Farisa and I shared a small mushroom sauceless deep dish pizza.

Sunday, brought Farisa around campus. Being a geology major that she is, the natural history museum was obviously her first choice. Then we went to random buildings and I did my best to not get lost and WE DIDN'T (ann, percayalah ayat ini). We had a coffee break and then went over to Joe's to help with his Oscars Party.
The Oscars Party was delightful. We had roast chicken, caviar and apple pie. Daniel day-Lewis winning best actor, No Country for Best Picture, Johnny Depp looking absolutely delish, and Javier Bardem is hot. While the celebrities had their after parties, we had one of our own too. It was a shitload of fun even when simon decided to be DJ. :D around 3 am, we were all on the bed contemplating future and somehow Joe is to be married to Britney Spears and I was PM of Malaysia. (note : no one was drunk or high at this point)

Monday, Farisa's going back to Canada so I thought I'll bring her to breakfast at Afternoon Delight. Something awkward happened at the counter that shall not be revealed... Just make sure you watch is working before saying anything...

Tuesday, ski trip with UMIMSA. Dian and I were on skis. AND I CAN FUCKING SKI NOW. Yes, I did it. After a bunch of falling, I finally got the hang of it. And I pretty much rocked the slope with Dian. Yeah, believe it. Haha. Went back home and we invited Salah over for dinner and movie and we watched Apocalypse Now and The Holiday. Salah got to witness our girly moments and I hope he's not scarred for life. =P

Wednesday, I refused to go to work because my body's all sore. Dian slept over the night before so I made lunch and we watched bits and pieces of Fritz Lang's M which is fucking brilliant except I was too tired to pay attention.

Thursday, I had a Malaysian Dinner Party to introduce to Joe and Liz how fuckingawesome our food is. Made Lontong and Nasi Lemak. They liked the Lontong a lot. Liz likes the nasi lemak except it was a tad too hot for her. Joe refused to eat the anchovies because they are little fish with eyes. Some other people were there too - Simon, Caryn, Dian, Salah, Rema, Mukhriz, Fazari and Dhinesh. We then watched Bobby, a really old hindustani film that runs for 3 hours. We had a lot of fun with that one :D in the end, everyone stood in the circle of honor for a good half an hour when Joe and Liz finally broke it. =D Fazari was the one to leave at 4.30 am and I was just dead to the world beyond that.

Friday, woke up at 12pm to eat. read sandman. and slept again until 4.30 when simon and joe arrived with 4 bubble teas! Dian was on the couch and we had to wake her up. We had the dinner party leftovers and watched Wong Kar Wai's "In The Mood For Love". After that, we decided to play Pakau, and Simon and I pretty much rocked the game :D

Saturday, planned to catch up. and decided to fuck it around 12 pm. LOL. finished reading sandman and made Jamal proud. :D 9-ish Joe picked me up to see In Bruges.

OKAY EVERYBODY NEEDS TO SEE IN BRUGES BECAUSE IT IS BRILLIANT. FUKIN' BRILLIANT.

We had hot chocolate after and went to see Kurosawa's Yojimbo. I was so tired tht I slept through the first half of the movie. LOL. but it was good. all good fun. :)

Sunday. Today is Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday.

oh, fuck.

bila dah jauh

2008-03-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

benda sekecil kuman pun nampak macam gajah.

stained memories

2008-03-01T17:10:00.004-05:00

malam semalam,
berperang kata

jauh, jauh sangat
takut, takut sangat
sayang, sayang sangat.

penat.
dan lelah.

kita masih
mencari

"the past is buried in the sand"

regarding love

2008-03-01T16:41:00.002-05:00

in a love story, reality is a thin line between ultimate corniness and the impossibles.

Wong Kar Wai knows how to thread this thin line, carefully perhaps even tilting at times, and that is why I love his movies.

He is a storyteller, of love songs and tales.

And as I've said before, "Fuck me, did he know my life story or what?"

* * * *

When I was about twelve or thirteen, love for me was just someone to go to the movies with.

and when I decided that I was going to be in love with the librarian, it was love and yes, it felt a hell lot like what love should feel like.

* * * *

My first boyfriend said he loves me before we were a couple. And it went on for 3 months, and it makes me laugh that he loved me and I loved him when all we were doing was really playing house.

* * * *

The first time, I fell in love, I guess, for real when it really hurt me that he was with her.

And it hurt me more that he still reached for my hands under the table.

* * * *

The first time my heart was broken, I cried for one whole night. And that was it.

* * * *

The second time I fell in love, he reached for my hands under the table. Or maybe I did.

* * * *

Over apple pies and sundaes, we did what we could.

* * * *

The second time my heart was broken, I stopped crying.

* * * *

When I was twelve or thirteen, love was just someone to go to the movies with.
And perhaps share a chocolate sundae.

* * * *

conversations

2008-03-01T16:37:00.002-05:00

"Since when you've become THIS cynical?"

"What? You, calling me cynical? The fucking cynic is calling me cynical?"

"At least I still believe in love,"

f

2008-03-01T09:57:00.000-05:00

spring break is almost over.

it is time to let go

2008-02-20T12:31:00.000-05:00